Life Unscripted

Herding Cats While Lifting Weights

2009-08-18T16:01:00.002-04:00

Ever tried? Well, that's very much what yesterday (our first full day of real/logged) homeschooling felt like. Trying to herd strong minded cats who can scamper & scurry, while simultaneously lifting weights that are far to heavy to lift unless prepared & girded to do so. Its dangerously distracting & breathtakingly uncertain.

Surely, we had several weeks over the summer so it wasn't as if this was our first attempt, but since our summer school, we've had some developments. Samuel is older, smarter and more curious therefore less content to simply come along for the ride. And Gracia, has learned and is trying out new 'neighborhood' acquired attitudes as well as proudly announcing her newfound desire to go to regular school (because she thinks it would be easier).

I struggle the most, to be honest, with her statements of not wanting to be homeschooled because there is, of course, a part of me that doesn't want her to be homeschooled- LOL. I do wish she had the group opprotunities and 'fun atmosphere' that try as I might, I will not be able to reproduce. And of course, at risk of alienating those who have chosen to send their children to traditional schools, I so wish I could wave goodbye as she gets on the bus for a 7 hour day-and not be the adult responsible for training & educating her. It would be much, much easier for me. But of course, there are 1001 reasons that I do want her to be homeschooled, and so we proceed.

It was a long day, and today was as well. I always laugh & inwardly roll my eyes when non-homeschooling moms tell me 'I don't have the patience to homeschool'. I want to snort- "And you think I do?" Clearly, these people don't know me. No, this is faith journey in the rawest form. I don't possess the traits or abilities to make this happen. There is no plan B, no one else who has to bear this awesome responsiblity for modelling a Christ-like attitude, teaching values & forming character, while imparting knowlege & a love of learning (and do all the housework, and be mom to a toddler, and wife to an amazing husband and still find time to be healthy)

So yes, I admit I am purposely trying to herd cats while lifting weights- not out of stupidity, but because I trust that there are ARMS who are helping, watching & loving the entire time. I don't have the capacity for this. I trust that He does.

Can I pick up where I left off?

2009-07-23T15:51:00.003-04:00

I was just cooking and thinking about how much I like to cook. Its more than just a one-dimensional activity for me, rather its creating something. Even when following a recipe there is technique, quality of ingredients, attention to detail and many more components of creating a great dish or an unforgettable disaster. I love to have involved recipes that require my concentration & multitasking, but also very much appreciate the meals you know by heart and simply cook. A 5 course experience is not practical 3 meals a day, 7 days a week.

I also really love healthy food. Some of the best meals I've eaten, I have been able to wholeheartedly enjoy because there wasn't any guilt of 'oh, I shouldn't be eating this'. I love a well balanced meal because it always settles so perfectly with your body- unlike eating just pasta, or just a salad, or just a steak. Don't get me wrong...I love food, but have realized its not just about my tastebuds.

I was then thinking that this is a lot like life. Its multi-dimensional in that you don't simply live, but rather there is a combining of elements. You can have a high carbohydrate life full of fun, activity and always after that great taste. It trends towards the stop-start extremes of overindulging and then sharply cutting back. You can also have an all protein life which might tend towards regimented intentionality, boundaries and structure. Never vary from the script-a life full of responsibility and limitations with little enjoyment. Or bland, low quality ingredients that have little nutrative value nor tastebud appreciation- same old, same old. Or a vegan (don't slap me) diet that can create deficiences and frankly, be high maintenance for others.

There are extremes in food & living. I'm reminded today that a balanced life, just a like a balanced meal, needs attention & intention- you have to put the right things in place. I want a life composed of quality ingredients that with an appropriately applied technique, can yield a deliciously satisfying experience while simultaneously being beneficial & powerpacked with health. That just doesn't happen. Life and food can be serious fun, but there is effort involved...and it is worth it.

Psalm 39:4 "Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered—how fleeting my life is."

Throw it up

2008-12-01T10:21:00.003-05:00

I recently commented to Nathan that this move & life transition feel very much like someone taking a puzzle and throwing the pieces way, way, way in the air. Where & how they land will barely resemble what they are or how they used to fit. I suppose some sections will remain joined and intact, but its also likely that some pieces will be scattered and never recovered.

As we continue to organize and fit together elements of this new life (school, church, friends) I realize I am less and less aware of how it used to be, and more interested to see what will be. New pieces will be added, and old pieces a memory.

What you've got

2008-11-12T15:51:00.003-05:00

As I've been teaching my daughter, God is teaching me, about contentment. We, like many, are on a budget- one that always seems slightly less than what I think it should be to be 'comfortable'. :) I've found that its difficult to buy only what you need. Really. There are always good deals, great sales and of course my never ending tendency to stock up for a rainy day. The ONLY way that I've found to be successful at this, is too see what I already have, instead of seeing what I don't have.

I've talked at length with my daughter about this. With her birthday & Christmas fast approaching, she is keenly aware that she is going to get 'stuff' and just kind of goes nuts wanting everything from Incredible Hulk gloves to a 3rd doll house. In my minds eye, I think of the basement full of toys & stuffed animals that seemed so important at one time, but that become overlooked & neglected.

I think the parellel is clear. Its not wrong to want something- its wrong to not see what you already have.

My Friend Jadie

2008-10-22T17:55:00.003-04:00

I met her 10+ years ago when she was 8 months pregnant and standing at my door. Our husbands were in class together at Regent. She is now one of my dearest friends, even though we haven't lived near each other for 6 years and we sometimes go a few months without talking to each other. We have shared openly, honestly about our triumphs & failures, given life & encouragement to those dry, barren places- and both love to eat and shop. I'm meeting her in Indianapolis this weekend (a halfway point for both of us)- just for 24 hours, but I'm already happy.

It makes me think about friendship. I've just relocated and don't have many friends yet. I'm part of a moms group (carbon copy of MOPS) and slowly, slowly, slowly am feeling more comfortable. God has brought dear friends into my life at every stage, and He'll do it again.

She can read!

2008-10-22T17:50:00.002-04:00

Last night I was just hanging out with Gracia- enjoying just being with her. I needed to send an email so quickly got out my laptop and typed it out.....as I was typing, Gracia came over and began finding the letters of the alphabet on the keyboard. I stopped typed and just watched, then after she was done decided to take her to a website that a homeschooler friend recommended as being helpful for reading. Long story short, we discovered that she can read. LOL Her longest sentence: "The ants ran to the jam" after which she screamed "I can read Momma, I can READ" and danced around the room.

It was a beautiful moment. I've been working with her on for some time and finally all the pieces came together. What a moment.

I can't help but spiritualize the concept. How our Father works with us- moving only as quickly as we're willing to go, as long as we can stand it, session after session- and then one day, we put it all together and wow. I can read.

Now, to get Samuel to walk.

I stink at blogging

2008-10-21T19:46:00.003-04:00

How many others have said this? But really, I do. I already feel so narcissistic even having a blog, and I struggle with how much time I already spend at my computer and choke at the thought of spending even more. Yet, sometimes I there are things to be said and no one to say them to....and to be fair, usually I do my best thinking, outside my head. So here we are again.

We've been here in KY for 5 months. Its been much, much better than I expected. The steps are slow, but the rewards are great. After the initial vaccuum of people subsided (first our 'life' in VA was just people 24/7, and then after we moved it was busy. I loved it even in the excess. The first 12 weekends, we only had 3 weekends 'alone', just the 4 of us. Good times). So then it got quiet. Really quiet, and I loved that as well.

So I feel like I'm finding myself again- life isn't smushing me or squashing me (hows that for deep thoughts). And we're building anew- one step at a time.

noise & clamor

2008-08-05T13:57:00.002-04:00

Lately I've been thinking a lot of Christs church- listening to debates, church-haters, revolutionists and zealots state their case. Its all worth hearing I suppose, but my soul was overwhelmed- all the questioning, dismantling and criticism is not where I find myself in this season of life. Quite the contrary.

In the midst of that overwhelming flood, I heard this....

Steven Curtis Chapman

Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is holy
Be still, O restless soul of mine
Bow before the Prince of peace
Let the noise and clamor cease
Be still

Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is faithful
Consider all that he has done
Stand in awe and be amazed
And know that He will never change
Be still

Be Still, and know that He is God
Be Still, and know that He is God
Be Still, and know that He is God
Be Still; Be speechless

Be still and know that he is God
Be still and know he is our Father
Come rest your head upon his breast
Listen to the rhythm of his unfailing heart of love
Beating for His little ones
Calling each of us to come
Be still, Be still

An Unknown Nobody

2008-06-30T13:16:00.007-04:00

Saying goodbye to hundreds of rich relationships and embracing the new reality of not knowing anyone, is interesting to say the least. Its an adjustment to go from relationally overflowing to empty overnight. I don't know where to begin in describing this life transition.

I have noticed a tendancy to fill the void in a way....to get busy doing things as though a certain degree of emptiness, slowness is unnaccptable. When I'm busy, I'm distracted from what I don't want to think about. And in a way, there is a sense of safety in busyness that I hadn't noticed before. If I stay busy, I'm in constant motion- no time or quiet for depth....no need to face fears, asks questions or go much deeper than 'in the moment'. Busyness lends a false sense of importance and significance- especially in our culture. I feel a strange pressure to already have the pretense of a fulfulling life here in KY.

Yet the strangest thing is that in a way, I'm perfectly comfortable being an unknown, boring, at-home nobody for a while. We were so known and so genuinely busy for such a long time. It was good, but was draining. How exhiliarating to be an unknown with potential. If I can just keep the perspective that busyness does not equal meaning/fullness in life.

A 3 month fast forward

2008-06-30T13:04:00.004-04:00

Fast forward past buying a new house in KY, the process of listing & selling our Virginia home, the packing, the endless tears & goodbyes to our close friends & church family, and resume playback 2 months later as we are in our new life. I desparately wanted to chronicle the process, but it was so overwhelming that I just lived in the moment and tried to take it all in.

So here I am in KY. My new life. The house is great, the city is great- both are better than expected. But I am- par for the course-struggling to adjust to this new reality. I have no doubts about the decision, just impatience I suppose at wanting to get through this next stage until we are more connected & have established some new relationships. I suppose I want to fast forward these next 3 months as well...

Faith & Fear

2008-03-30T20:25:00.003-04:00

I have some fears about this move to Kentucky. Just a few. Pages. LOL They come and go- sometimes I'm full of faith, other moments full of fear. This morning at church, I was deeply challenged & encouraged to replace my fear with faith- once and for all.

Its so simplistic, really- a lot of these 'issues' we face in life, stem from just a few root causes. Dan spoke about them yesterday at the leadership meeting, just yesterday. Fear, Anger, Lust & Pride were the big 4 mentioned, inferring that most issues can find their origin in these root issues. I agree!

So this morning, a woman shared in the worship time the following Scripture (Isaiah 43:1-3)

But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you. O Israel, the one who formed you says, “Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. 2 When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.

Of course, I was in tears- confident that the simple word was meant for me. ;-) Many times the fear of something is actually worse than the something. Dan cited his battle with cancer as a prime example, yet also said how that he was conflicted- he trusted, yet he feared (my paraphrase). But fear is this intangible, horrible, paralyzing thing. It keeps us from really living, so many times.

There was a sweet spirit in the place. I was so aware of the prescence of God- so available, so ready to rush in to my heart and those places of fear that I was clinging to, yet I just could not lay it down without REALLY laying it down. Do you know what I mean? I'm not one to tape a bandaid on a wound that needs stitches, simply to say it was 'dealt with'. I don't like emotional experiences unless they mean something. I didn't want to leave that place w/ a temporary fix, rather I wanted it to be 'the day' that I decided to no longer be afraid- come what may.

After all, "how deep, how wide- how incredibly great, is His love for me"? Neither height, nor depth, nor principality, nor power, nor angels, nor demons- NOTHING can separate me from the love of God. Not even loneliness, homesickness, newness, doubt (did we do the right thing), the realities of a new place, full time with the family business and ALL that it entails (which is my primary set of fear)..... No matter how 'bad' it may get in our new land of KY, God will be there- right there, every instant, every moment, every morning.

After all, He's here

And the blog goes on

2008-03-28T20:52:00.005-04:00

I didn't realize until tonight that I had a bunch of entries saved as drafts, than I never finished or posted- so I have published them all, and VIOLA!!! My blog has doubled in size! (giggle)

75 Questions

2008-03-28T20:37:00.002-04:00

75 Questions to ask yourself, so I'm going to take them one at a time. http://www.lyved.com/life/75-questions-to-ask-yourself/

1. Why not me?

Hmmm. Too many times, I've asked myself 'why me'? Not just bad things, mind you, but good things. So ok- back to the question. Why not me? Well, it brings many things to mind- selfishness, empowerment, concern over being self-centered instead of Christ centered, loneliness, false martyrdome.....

Mostly, it makes me think that all of the promises of God are available to me. They really are...its all available and I too easily & readily apply it to everyone else, but kind of skip myself. Why not me?

2. Am I nice?

Well to most people yes, very. To my kids? Oh my. I don't think so. I feel like I am too harsh, too yelling, too terse, rude, blunt and frustrated WAY too often to be considered nice. What is it about kids that really reduces even the most composed individual, to simplistic rubble when seen through the eyes of a child.

3. Am I doing what I really want to do?

At core, that is not a fair question if viewed in a one-dimensional sense. Do I like being a SAHM? No. But, life is about seasons (boy, am I learning that....) and its not all what you wished for. Do I want to re-clean my kitchen 3x a day, 7 days a week? NO!!!! I would happily abdicate that responsibility to someone else. But rephrase the question...."Am I where I want to be?" Absolutely- I am my children's mother- always and forever. I will not give this job to anyone else, even if it's not what I've always wanted to do in a broad 'calling/passion/dream' sense. There is time enough for all of it, right?

Thats enough for tonight :-)

Breaking the News

2008-03-25T20:51:00.003-04:00

Bad news, shocking news & random news is hard to share. Of course, its usually more difficult to hear because it assaults the hearer- virtually unprepared-and all of a sudden your reality has been changed.

A few weeks ago, God broke some 'news' to me. Well, it was more like He revealed what was already there- and it was a shock- A SHOCK!!!!-to me. I wrestled, argued, denied, was angry and have slowly accepted. Yet I've struggled to put it into words here in my blog. Its written on my heart with the permanant ink that Gods voice creates, but somehow putting it here makes it irreversible- makes it REALLY real.

So yeah. Nathan has resigned from church and we are moving to Kentucky. Its slowly becoming public, and that is hard. There are about 101 million things I could say- and have said- but today, I'm simply so thankful for the grace of God. This is a GOOD THING for our family- that has been declared & affirmed from so many dear ones in our lives. We're so thankful for this road we've travelled and have no regrets.

Sudden Stirring

2008-03-10T11:02:00.005-04:00

I love my friend Megan. She doesn't read blogs and is barely online- that is her flaw. But she does love a good Coach handbag and that is her redemption.

We went out for coffee last night and talked until they kicked us out. Then we sat in her car and talked for 2 more hours until we both began to yawn. It was an appointed time. We shared, prayed & it was significant.

I told her some of the things that have been stirring in my heart and she listened. Then she shared the similar stirrings in her heart, and I listened. There were suprising similarities.

Suddenly, what was not seen one day, is revealed the next and cannot be ignored. What was perfectly fine yesterday, is now uncomfortably not ok anymore. There is change coming- a transition is in progress.

Lord- clearly, You are moving, stirring & shaking us. What was doubt has been replaced with acceptance of Your hand. I'm not clear on exactly what You're doing, but even though its hard & unexpected, my Jesus, its welcome.

Jeremiah: He Who Wept

2008-03-07T21:33:00.002-05:00

I just finished reading a book by this name- it was amazing. It examined and mused over the life Jeremiah- historically accurate w/ a fictional story woven around the timeline of his life & events in Isreal.

I was profoundly impacted by the realization anew of Jeremiahs life being a voice-this perpetual warning/voice to a stubborn, unhearing people. God's words of warning burned within him- it was relentless, though he begged for relief. This was his lot, his calling, his worship to God. To preach to people who would not listen. It might sound romantic or magical, for a moment.

By modern measurements of success in the ministry Jeremiah was a miserable failure. He was out of step with most of his contemporaries. When grief overwhelmed him and he would have escaped to the quietness of the countryside, the Lord commanded him to keep preaching in the city. He experienced deep, dark depression, wishing he had never been born and lived with unanswered prayers and unfulfilled desires and even accused God of deceiving him.

And yet he kept on and was faithful to the Lord and demonstrated the clearest message of redemption & the new covenant etc.

Amazing.

Decisions & Voices

2008-03-07T21:19:00.004-05:00

Life is full of them. Some decisions are big, some are small. Some come easily, some are wrestled for at length and at great cost. Some change lives in a split second, some don't have much impact at all. But really, I think its hard to know the difference, in the moment.

Something that seems insignficant might really change a life- something that is long in coming, might not be nearly as important in hindsight.

We are faced with a decision this week. Its hard to know how important it really is- it came out of nowhere, and suddenly has overtaken our thoughts, prayers & energies. Some moments it seems H-U-G-E, other moments we giggle at ourselves for taking life so seriously.

God sometimes speaks in a loud, mesmerizing voice that is impossible to miss or ignore. Other times, I think He places the faintest echo of a whisper in our hearts that almost seems delicate & fragile.

Its a challenge to make what feels like a big decision based on a whisper of a voice. But nonetheless, "His sheep know His voice" and for me, that is enough.

The little things

2008-02-26T19:40:00.004-05:00

Today a friend saw me and asked, you've lost a lot of weight haven't you?' Instead of saying 'yes, and I have xyz more to go', I just beamed and said 'yup'. I am almost at my goal weight- I've lost 36.8lbs since Sept 17th.

I'm so close, but still have some go.

2.8
1.0
2.2
1.4
2.2
0.0
5.4
0.4
1.4
2.8
2.0
2.2
0.0
1.6
1.2
2.8
3.0
0.0
2.2
0.2
2.0

There are some zero loss weeks, some huge loss weeks- and really, its hard to know that those small numbers add up to such a big thing but they do.

A different kind of family

2008-02-26T19:06:00.006-05:00

Andi was buried today. Now, I won't do the 'survivor thing' and pretend she was perfect or that we were incredibly close. Neither are true. But she was a part of my life and a part of our family in a very different way. She was a friend, and was someone who impacted my life. Since her cancer diagnosis over 18months ago, I have thought of her & prayed for her almost every day. Before my son was born, I used to wake up in the middle of the night and lie awake praying for her and her family, for hours. After my son was born, I did warfare intercession (does such a thing exist?) during my TaeBo workouts believing that somehow God was going to heal her body. I carried her with me, in an almost tangible way- unlike anything I've experienced and in a way that defied reason.

She died suddenly last week. Nathan was at the hospital for a few hours. It was a shock to all of us who love the family.

Today as I wept at her funeral, I felt like a sister had died. I looked around that room and saw that many felt the same way.

Cinderella

2008-02-26T19:01:00.002-05:00

I promise, I'm not actually a SCC fan in the truest sense- but I really appreciate his thoughtful lyrics. I feel I have a Cinderella of my own.

Cinderalla
By Steven Curtis Chapman

She spins and she sways to whatever song plays,
Without a care in the world.
And I'm sitting here wearing the weight of the world on my shoulders.
It's been a long day and there's still work to do,
She's pulling at me saying "Dad I need you!
There's a ball at the castle and I've been invited and I need to practice my dancin'
"Oh please, daddy, please!"

Chorus:
So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone.

Verse 2:
She says he's a nice guy and I'd be impressed
She wants to know if I approve of the dress
She says, "DAD the prom is just one week away
And I need to practice my dancin'
"Oh please, daddy , please!"

Chorus:
So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone

Verse 3:
But she came home today with a ring on her hand
Just glowin' and tellin' us all they had planned
She says, "DAD the wedding's still six months away but I need to practice my dancin'
"Oh please, daddy , please!"

One more time

2008-02-26T18:25:00.000-05:00

I should take a hint, but I'm determined to prevail against this blogging nightmare. What a history of words I have, but alas, nothing to show for it except this completely empty blog.

It's my 3rd.

The first one was a series of emails errors on my part that left me locked out of my very own blog. The second one was actually thriving- daily entries, even comments from strangers, but then due to an unexpected server change, it was gone.

So foolishly, I try again. ;-)