4. What am I grateful for?
I am grateful for being moved. :0 Also, relationship with my heavenly Father that serves as an oasis, wellspring, ever present help etc. I'm grateful for my family, my health, my home....
5. What’s missing in my life?
People- genuine relationship. Also, peace. Right now its a little tricky navigating- the stress levels are high, so many visitors, so much to do- decisions etc. All of that is made easier with the joy & fulfillment that comes with community/authentic relationships.
6. Am I honest?
Yes. Obviously, I don't tell lies. But I don't always come true to my genuine feelings, reactions or thoughts when in discussion with certain individuals in my life. Its easier to simply nod & smile than take it 'there'
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Monday, June 30, 2008
An Unknown Nobody
Saying goodbye to hundreds of rich relationships and embracing the new reality of not knowing anyone, is interesting to say the least. Its an adjustment to go from relationally overflowing to empty overnight. I don't know where to begin in describing this life transition.
I have noticed a tendancy to fill the void in a way....to get busy doing things as though a certain degree of emptiness, slowness is unnaccptable. When I'm busy, I'm distracted from what I don't want to think about. And in a way, there is a sense of safety in busyness that I hadn't noticed before. If I stay busy, I'm in constant motion- no time or quiet for depth....no need to face fears, asks questions or go much deeper than 'in the moment'. Busyness lends a false sense of importance and significance- especially in our culture. I feel a strange pressure to already have the pretense of a fulfulling life here in KY.
Yet the strangest thing is that in a way, I'm perfectly comfortable being an unknown, boring, at-home nobody for a while. We were so known and so genuinely busy for such a long time. It was good, but was draining. How exhiliarating to be an unknown with potential. If I can just keep the perspective that busyness does not equal meaning/fullness in life.
I have noticed a tendancy to fill the void in a way....to get busy doing things as though a certain degree of emptiness, slowness is unnaccptable. When I'm busy, I'm distracted from what I don't want to think about. And in a way, there is a sense of safety in busyness that I hadn't noticed before. If I stay busy, I'm in constant motion- no time or quiet for depth....no need to face fears, asks questions or go much deeper than 'in the moment'. Busyness lends a false sense of importance and significance- especially in our culture. I feel a strange pressure to already have the pretense of a fulfulling life here in KY.
Yet the strangest thing is that in a way, I'm perfectly comfortable being an unknown, boring, at-home nobody for a while. We were so known and so genuinely busy for such a long time. It was good, but was draining. How exhiliarating to be an unknown with potential. If I can just keep the perspective that busyness does not equal meaning/fullness in life.
A 3 month fast forward
Fast forward past buying a new house in KY, the process of listing & selling our Virginia home, the packing, the endless tears & goodbyes to our close friends & church family, and resume playback 2 months later as we are in our new life. I desparately wanted to chronicle the process, but it was so overwhelming that I just lived in the moment and tried to take it all in.
So here I am in KY. My new life. The house is great, the city is great- both are better than expected. But I am- par for the course-struggling to adjust to this new reality. I have no doubts about the decision, just impatience I suppose at wanting to get through this next stage until we are more connected & have established some new relationships. I suppose I want to fast forward these next 3 months as well...
So here I am in KY. My new life. The house is great, the city is great- both are better than expected. But I am- par for the course-struggling to adjust to this new reality. I have no doubts about the decision, just impatience I suppose at wanting to get through this next stage until we are more connected & have established some new relationships. I suppose I want to fast forward these next 3 months as well...
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Faith & Fear
I have some fears about this move to Kentucky. Just a few. Pages. LOL They come and go- sometimes I'm full of faith, other moments full of fear. This morning at church, I was deeply challenged & encouraged to replace my fear with faith- once and for all.
Its so simplistic, really- a lot of these 'issues' we face in life, stem from just a few root causes. Dan spoke about them yesterday at the leadership meeting, just yesterday. Fear, Anger, Lust & Pride were the big 4 mentioned, inferring that most issues can find their origin in these root issues. I agree!
So this morning, a woman shared in the worship time the following Scripture (Isaiah 43:1-3)
But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you. O Israel, the one who formed you says, “Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. 2 When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.
Of course, I was in tears- confident that the simple word was meant for me. ;-) Many times the fear of something is actually worse than the something. Dan cited his battle with cancer as a prime example, yet also said how that he was conflicted- he trusted, yet he feared (my paraphrase). But fear is this intangible, horrible, paralyzing thing. It keeps us from really living, so many times.
There was a sweet spirit in the place. I was so aware of the prescence of God- so available, so ready to rush in to my heart and those places of fear that I was clinging to, yet I just could not lay it down without REALLY laying it down. Do you know what I mean? I'm not one to tape a bandaid on a wound that needs stitches, simply to say it was 'dealt with'. I don't like emotional experiences unless they mean something. I didn't want to leave that place w/ a temporary fix, rather I wanted it to be 'the day' that I decided to no longer be afraid- come what may.
After all, "how deep, how wide- how incredibly great, is His love for me"? Neither height, nor depth, nor principality, nor power, nor angels, nor demons- NOTHING can separate me from the love of God. Not even loneliness, homesickness, newness, doubt (did we do the right thing), the realities of a new place, full time with the family business and ALL that it entails (which is my primary set of fear)..... No matter how 'bad' it may get in our new land of KY, God will be there- right there, every instant, every moment, every morning.
After all, He's here
Its so simplistic, really- a lot of these 'issues' we face in life, stem from just a few root causes. Dan spoke about them yesterday at the leadership meeting, just yesterday. Fear, Anger, Lust & Pride were the big 4 mentioned, inferring that most issues can find their origin in these root issues. I agree!
So this morning, a woman shared in the worship time the following Scripture (Isaiah 43:1-3)
But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you. O Israel, the one who formed you says, “Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. 2 When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.
Of course, I was in tears- confident that the simple word was meant for me. ;-) Many times the fear of something is actually worse than the something. Dan cited his battle with cancer as a prime example, yet also said how that he was conflicted- he trusted, yet he feared (my paraphrase). But fear is this intangible, horrible, paralyzing thing. It keeps us from really living, so many times.
There was a sweet spirit in the place. I was so aware of the prescence of God- so available, so ready to rush in to my heart and those places of fear that I was clinging to, yet I just could not lay it down without REALLY laying it down. Do you know what I mean? I'm not one to tape a bandaid on a wound that needs stitches, simply to say it was 'dealt with'. I don't like emotional experiences unless they mean something. I didn't want to leave that place w/ a temporary fix, rather I wanted it to be 'the day' that I decided to no longer be afraid- come what may.
After all, "how deep, how wide- how incredibly great, is His love for me"? Neither height, nor depth, nor principality, nor power, nor angels, nor demons- NOTHING can separate me from the love of God. Not even loneliness, homesickness, newness, doubt (did we do the right thing), the realities of a new place, full time with the family business and ALL that it entails (which is my primary set of fear)..... No matter how 'bad' it may get in our new land of KY, God will be there- right there, every instant, every moment, every morning.
After all, He's here
Friday, March 28, 2008
And the blog goes on
I didn't realize until tonight that I had a bunch of entries saved as drafts, than I never finished or posted- so I have published them all, and VIOLA!!! My blog has doubled in size! (giggle)
75 Questions
75 Questions to ask yourself, so I'm going to take them one at a time. http://www.lyved.com/life/75-questions-to-ask-yourself/
1. Why not me?
Hmmm. Too many times, I've asked myself 'why me'? Not just bad things, mind you, but good things. So ok- back to the question. Why not me? Well, it brings many things to mind- selfishness, empowerment, concern over being self-centered instead of Christ centered, loneliness, false martyrdome.....
Mostly, it makes me think that all of the promises of God are available to me. They really are...its all available and I too easily & readily apply it to everyone else, but kind of skip myself. Why not me?
2. Am I nice?
Well to most people yes, very. To my kids? Oh my. I don't think so. I feel like I am too harsh, too yelling, too terse, rude, blunt and frustrated WAY too often to be considered nice. What is it about kids that really reduces even the most composed individual, to simplistic rubble when seen through the eyes of a child.
3. Am I doing what I really want to do?
At core, that is not a fair question if viewed in a one-dimensional sense. Do I like being a SAHM? No. But, life is about seasons (boy, am I learning that....) and its not all what you wished for. Do I want to re-clean my kitchen 3x a day, 7 days a week? NO!!!! I would happily abdicate that responsibility to someone else. But rephrase the question...."Am I where I want to be?" Absolutely- I am my children's mother- always and forever. I will not give this job to anyone else, even if it's not what I've always wanted to do in a broad 'calling/passion/dream' sense. There is time enough for all of it, right?
Thats enough for tonight :-)
1. Why not me?
Hmmm. Too many times, I've asked myself 'why me'? Not just bad things, mind you, but good things. So ok- back to the question. Why not me? Well, it brings many things to mind- selfishness, empowerment, concern over being self-centered instead of Christ centered, loneliness, false martyrdome.....
Mostly, it makes me think that all of the promises of God are available to me. They really are...its all available and I too easily & readily apply it to everyone else, but kind of skip myself. Why not me?
2. Am I nice?
Well to most people yes, very. To my kids? Oh my. I don't think so. I feel like I am too harsh, too yelling, too terse, rude, blunt and frustrated WAY too often to be considered nice. What is it about kids that really reduces even the most composed individual, to simplistic rubble when seen through the eyes of a child.
3. Am I doing what I really want to do?
At core, that is not a fair question if viewed in a one-dimensional sense. Do I like being a SAHM? No. But, life is about seasons (boy, am I learning that....) and its not all what you wished for. Do I want to re-clean my kitchen 3x a day, 7 days a week? NO!!!! I would happily abdicate that responsibility to someone else. But rephrase the question...."Am I where I want to be?" Absolutely- I am my children's mother- always and forever. I will not give this job to anyone else, even if it's not what I've always wanted to do in a broad 'calling/passion/dream' sense. There is time enough for all of it, right?
Thats enough for tonight :-)
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Breaking the News
Bad news, shocking news & random news is hard to share. Of course, its usually more difficult to hear because it assaults the hearer- virtually unprepared-and all of a sudden your reality has been changed.
A few weeks ago, God broke some 'news' to me. Well, it was more like He revealed what was already there- and it was a shock- A SHOCK!!!!-to me. I wrestled, argued, denied, was angry and have slowly accepted. Yet I've struggled to put it into words here in my blog. Its written on my heart with the permanant ink that Gods voice creates, but somehow putting it here makes it irreversible- makes it REALLY real.
So yeah. Nathan has resigned from church and we are moving to Kentucky. Its slowly becoming public, and that is hard. There are about 101 million things I could say- and have said- but today, I'm simply so thankful for the grace of God. This is a GOOD THING for our family- that has been declared & affirmed from so many dear ones in our lives. We're so thankful for this road we've travelled and have no regrets.
A few weeks ago, God broke some 'news' to me. Well, it was more like He revealed what was already there- and it was a shock- A SHOCK!!!!-to me. I wrestled, argued, denied, was angry and have slowly accepted. Yet I've struggled to put it into words here in my blog. Its written on my heart with the permanant ink that Gods voice creates, but somehow putting it here makes it irreversible- makes it REALLY real.
So yeah. Nathan has resigned from church and we are moving to Kentucky. Its slowly becoming public, and that is hard. There are about 101 million things I could say- and have said- but today, I'm simply so thankful for the grace of God. This is a GOOD THING for our family- that has been declared & affirmed from so many dear ones in our lives. We're so thankful for this road we've travelled and have no regrets.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
